The Life... The Fast Times... To live in every moment....

Daily Log; April 20,2009 Monday

2009-04-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

I got up this morning. Spent the other goddamn half of my time on the computer and then finally got my lazy monkey ass to do something useful at around 3 in the afternoon. I went to hand in my time card and then afterwards I went to Modells to ask them about how to work the stopwatch that I bought from them yesterday. I found out that the stop watch I bought from them did not include the function that I wanted which was to beep at the allotted time that I wanted it too. I want to be able to set it to 2 minutes and then when it hits two minutes it will be, but apparently I guess that's too fucking hard or technologically advanced for a stop watch developed in 2009. Oh yeah I need to remind myself to check out that job expo flyer that's happening on Saturday on the ground level of my building and call the pay roll lady about when I will get paid for my work. I've handed in 3 time cards already and I only got paid for one...

Afterwards I went to school so that I can fill out and hand in my financial aid corrections. When I went the lady told me with a lot of attitude that the financial aid department was closed and there were already signs posted outside that the financial aid office is closed today. Afterwards I met up with one of my Friends Henry and then got some food together in the cafeteria. We met up with Simone and Aaron later on. Now I know for sure that Simone only thinks of me as. Friend but fuck it I should still go for her. That should be the attitude I keep with me "fuck it." do it because I want to do it and not let external forces keep me from doing the things that I want to do.

After that I went to the gym and did a few workouts. I need to find a way that I can do strength training using the HIT program (high intensity training) without slowing down or giving up too easily. This is the best way to gain mass and strength. I really need to practice my round house kicks. I can't recover back to my fighting stance quickly. I always lose my balance. When I got home I watched a movie and then in the end I fell victim to my temptations and masturbated =x

Things that should be done about computer;

-only spend max two hour on the computer every day

- And only for things like blogging and downloading music, etc...

- From now on I can only masturbate when I have done at least one direct approach.

-do not go on the computer too much

-do not go on the computer during the night time!!!

Daily Log; April 18, 2009 Saturday

2009-04-18T16:56:00.001-07:00

AFTER A LOOOONNNGG OVER DUE HIATUS!!!!! VRRROOMM!!!VROOM!! VRROOOM!!!

So dam bored today... No girls or even anybody else for that matter to hang out with. Fucking lonely I need to go outside and restock on chicks. I'm way too scared of approaching right now. I have a huge fucking ego right now. I have been telling myself to get my balls together and go solo. But how can I go solo when I'm too lazy and scared to meet up with my wingman on this beautiful Saturday (when hot chicks are most likely out) because of the idea of approaching, the idea of meeting beautiful women. There are many times when I think that I am not even worth their time... So yesterday night some chick slept over at my place. I think I could have made a move but she is a late bloomer and she told me about the many qualms of moving the interaction to fast towards a physical level. Plus she only thinks of me as a friend but I have this biting feeling that she is slowly getting attracted to me. This could be interesting but at the same time I don't want to get stuck under a one-itis role...

In other news my body is still feeling like shit. I found out recently that my body is asymmetrical and I tilt to the left because of scoliosis. My entire head or neck is shifted to the left while bending towards the right and down. I'm still really self conscious about this problem and the way I look because of this problem. I think this self conscious issue has prevented me from doing other things in my life such as approaching women, attending social functions, holding a room at a public gathering, and pursuing physical hobbies such as yoga... I shouldn't be taking this to seriously though. The only thing I can do right now is just work on the stretches. It literally feels tense, stiff and tight. I'm still waiting for my appointment with neurology that way my physical therapists could tell them about my condition and that may result into a Botox shot or even surgery.

Basically all I really did today was walk that chick back to the subway station so that she can go back home and I came extremely late to my driving class. (I need to stop being late for appointments) but hey I think that I am getting way better at driving. I'm still hoping to get that license so that I can apply to be an EMS and then a fireman. Now I'm just sitting on my ass typing this whole entry on the notes section of my phone.

I need to stop typing right now and get off my ass and do something productive on this lovely day. It’s not like I have a pretty girl sitting on my lap right now. I have to do something about that, or at least fix and clean up my home.

updateeeee

2009-02-11T22:31:00.001-08:00

Man... Had a rough day today. Today was another day of daytime or non venue type sarging. Went at it for 4 hour but only came out with two approaches which were less than spectacular. I didn't get any numbers or instant dates this time around. I guess I'm still in the process of riding through approach anxiety and beginners hell.

And as always as soon as I got home I watched a movie and then straight to masturbation. Hopefully tomorrow I can cut down on that because my dentist says I should be able to exercise again after a week. So tomorrow will be a week since my wisdom tooth got extracted. Tomorrow I can officially get back out there and do some Muay Thai but that's if my Beth Israel cervical Dystonia appointment doesn't fill up my whole day.
It’s weird because during my sarge many negative thoughts started to flood my mind.
- I will never get good at this because physically I'm unattractive
- Or I am just too weird, to creepy, socially awkward,
- Women are not supposed to be in my life. I do not deserve them especially high quality women.
- I am unfit, not responsible, and not manly/alpha enough
- I do not have much experience
- I do not have a fun lifestyle that the ladies would enjoy
- I am a boring guy
- I am just not born to be cool and have the ladies
- I am born to be a loser my entire life
- I do not know when to shut up and when to talk
- I bring up random uncomfortable topics or conversation threads at the wrong time
- I am atrocious at putting phrases together into a complete sentence
- I have a high squeaky nasal voice
- I am just not made out for this
- The only thing I can do is get numbers, occasional instant dates and sometimes not even both
- There is no way they will meet up with me, they will always flake
- I still live with my parents in a dirty roach, insect spider infested home. There is no way a chick would come to my home and still dig me. I might as not try and should start pick up when I get my own place.
- Just quit dude there is no point, just stay home play video games and masturbate all day.
- You would be lucky or should be lucky to land or get a date, female companionship or a long term girlfriend for that matter.
- I am not going to get laid for a long time no matter how hard I try.
- I masturbate a lot therefore I can't get girls or I am really creepy / socially awkward or socially unacceptable.

Because of the unusually high level of useless negative talk circulating in my head it took me almost the first four hours before I could do my first approach and mentally reframe to fit my composure. Even after I did my sets I still didn't feel like I was king of the world and that I could approach any girl or set. I guess it just takes time and persistence before my mindset can naturalize the fact that I am an attractive person. It’s going to take a while before my mind realizes that I shouldn't take an rejection to personally because in the end its not exactly me who they hate but my approach. Got to stick my approach!

Things I could do to better my game;
- My comfort game is weak and so is my banter
- I need to stick my approach and kino touch them with confidence whenever I open
- pause and say it loud
- stay grounded
- using gestures is optional
- try to mirror her
- still have tons of limiting barriers, beliefs and qualms about getting rejected even though I know nothing really happens after a rejection.
- I don't feel congruent, I feel like I am dishonest with myself and I feel like I am not completely honest to other people.
- I am not in the moment.
- I need to learn to control my mental state and be nonreactive to certain social situations.

LADIES IF YOUR OUT THERE AND GENTLEMAN UPDATE!!!! 2/8/09 SUNDAY

2009-02-08T10:11:00.000-08:00

Just woke up bros. Ugh I feel so stiff. It must be from the lack of exercise and waking up at 1 in the freaking afternoon. I haven't been able to move around too much since the extraction, so I have just been taking it easy and not doing anything to physical. My dentist says I should be able to get back to normal activities on Thursday. Well I really hope so; I can't wait to do some Muay Thai and other activities.

So today I don't really have much planned except for maybe clean up my home. My home is really dirty and filled with roaches. I bought a roach spray a few days ago. I hope that does the job. It’s already bad enough that I live with my parents, now that my home is messy and has roaches makes it even worse. I don't want to be a dam chick repellent!

I doubt it but if I have the time I need to go to David Z and get my W2 form before the government starts thinking I'm trying to scam them. I also need to get my lazy ass to start studying and taking that HIPPA course test so that I can get my part time paid internship underway. Plus hopefully I can catch up on my reading this week. Been alittle to lazy to pick up a book and actually enamor myself in it. These days when I pick up a book I get distracted easily and don’t concentrate too much on what I am reading.

Oh I almost forgot dudes; I’ll be doing the Better Asian Man Podcast today. Check me out homies. The podcast should be out Monday night. If not Monday night should be Tuesday morning. If you dudes have any questions or just want to say what up, call in and ask for "Baby Will" ugghh I'm starting to hate that name. I just want it to be WILL. You can call in every Sunday from 4:00-4:30pm EST (1:00-1:30pm PST) the number is 978-964-0049. Remember to type in the pass code which is 525-484#. Or you can drop an email and I’ll gladly answer your questions during the Q&A segment. Better Asian Man email is editor@betterasianman.com. Or you can hit me up whuang712@vzw.blackberry.net and I’ll be sure to bring it up during the Podcast or answer it during my own time. Ahh.. Bros it looks like it’s going to be a wonderful day today. Go out there and enjoy the weather!!!!!

Until next time homies!!!!

Today’s Word of the DAY; JUGATE – adj. Joined in or forming pairs or a pair.

Song of the DAY; Olivia Ong – Fly me to the Moon (Holy shit I’m obsessed with this chick)

CIRCUMCISE THAT SMALL ASIAN PEPE!!!!

2009-02-06T09:11:00.000-08:00

Just woke up like 10 minutes ago. My mouth is still in pain from the extraction especially since I haven't taken any pain killers or medication since 9 yesterday night. Ucck I can still taste the blood.

Anyways I just got done reading this interesting article about circumcision and it made me really think hard about my own commando. The article basically talked about the benefits of circumcision and how it can help prevent sexually transmitted diseases. Now I've already known about this from the various people I talk to and various sources that I found in the past but this article from Men’s Health is still very insightful.

I remember feeling this sticky sore pain on my penis as I went through puberty. Most of the sensation was on the foreskin. I don't think anybody else was exposed to that kind of pain because almost 90% of my classmates or friends were circumcised.

“But it’s not without its rewards. The Africa trials add substantial weight to a mounting pile of evidence that circumcision also reduces the spread of other sexually transmitted illnesses, including several types of cancer and venereal disease. The journal BMC Infectious Diseases published a study (coauthored by Halperin and four others) that compared rates of cervical cancer-caused by Halperin and four others) that compared rates of cervical cancer-caused by the sexually transmitted human papillomavirus, or HPV-in more than 100 countries in Asia, Africa, and Latin America. In countries where fewer than 20 percent of men were circumcised, cervical-cancer rates were about 70 percent higher than in countries where more than 80 percent were circumcised.” From Men’s Health March 2009 Page 95

Besides the unhygienic and uneasy feeling that subsides daily in an uncircumcised penis there is also a risk of catching a STD is higher than a circumcised penis. This can be shown through studies done in Africa in conjunction with the AIDS epidemic and The Human Papillomavirus or the HPV. There is no need for the extra foreskin anymore after birth.

“CIRCUMCISED OR NOT, EVERY MAN OWES HIS foreskin a great debt of gratitude for its service in the womb. In the third month of gestation, when the nascent penis begins to bloom, the foreskin forms a little protective blanket under which the rest of the pens can safely grow. But once you and your penis are fully baked, the advantage of a foreskin is not clear. Some scientists speculate that it protected the prehistoric penis as it swung, naked, through thick forests and over tall grasses; and unless you take your penis on that sort of excursion, they argue, you don’t need a foreskin.” From Men’s Health March 2009 page 94

Well for one thing I am definitely not swinging my jingaling around in the urban jungles of New York City. Best of all the circumcision does not hurt at all these days since in this day and age the operation is very procedure. They are mandated to put the patient under Anesthesia. Well I’m not trying to sell circumcision to every guy that is uncircumcised but it does sound like a good plan with so many benefits. I’m definitely getting my little yellow Asian penis circumcised when I get the money!!!

Get your commando circumcised today homies!!!!

OUCH MY TEETH!!!!!

2009-02-06T08:44:00.000-08:00

Hi all!

Well didn’t really do much today. The highlights of my day consisted of going to school to take a math quiz. I also got three numbers in my class which kind of lame because I said “hey can I get your number? Just in case I am absent and I need the homework assignments?” Obviously all three gave it to me. One was a dude as well and he gave me a land line number!!! LMAO!!! I still gave myself props because for some reason I felt really a lot of shyness and anxiety when I asked for their numbers and this chick that I have a crush on asked for my number back as well, which was pretty cool. But my mind later on afterwards started thinking of the many futuristic situations that might happen with me and this ONE particular girl; situations such as hanging out with her, making her fall in love with me, banging the shit out of her and even marrying her. Gosh don’t you just love the imagination your mind comes up with.

That's weird I don't feel that much pain as I thought I would be feeling. So today I got my last three wisdom teeth removed. Good thing for me I guess. It has been hurting me these past months. It didn't really hurt when they pulled it out, obviously because they had put me under anesthesia. I thought the whole thing took five minutes but in reality the whole thing lasted about an hour and 30 minutes.

After it was over I felt really drowsy and they helped me walk into this small room with a hard leather bed and small stone felt leather pillow. The doctor was extremely nice and funny. She seemed like a genuine down to earth person. The nurses were pretty cute as well even though they were funny and hard to understand because of their heavy Chinese accent. Hey, I wouldn't mind sticking up my carrot up their vag.

Basically for the rest of the day I went home, slept, watched random YouTube videos, read some random bullshit articles online and jacked my tweety. I was thinking of going out but I could barely walk without bouncing my stitched up wisdom orifice without causing major kill bill bleeding status to breakout. It’s ironic though because I do have the strength to masturbate off hot European and Latina porno. Uggh.... Have to stop the masturbation before I get back into my addiction. I definitely have to look for some real action in the real world. I have to start doing the Valentine’s Day challenge. I haven't had any sexual physical contact in almost a month and two weeks. I guess it’s better than my last drought which was 3 months or the drought after that which was the first 17 years of my life. One step at a time as they say I guess.

So I am basically banned from doing anything to physical like exercise. Well they never mentioned poundin the vag, so that is still definitely up in the air for me. But anyways because of this complication this would mean that I would not be able to train Muay Thai for a while which is perfect because I just recently got so fucking addicted to it, detect sarcasm break dance practice, salsa class, do stretches, talk loud or project my voice, or drink alcohol and yes I do consider drinking alcohol exercise as it is the quickest way to receive a one pack. Who needs a six pack when you have a one pack? Bottoms up homie!

Basically expect more posts this week. We'll actually don't. If I don't post at all this week, means that I fucking broke the rules and went to kick some chodes and trees at the gym if I do post a lot, means that I will be sitting on my ass all day watching porn and spanking the monkey until daylight or until the motherfucking bleeding gaps in my gums coinside, heal or recovery. Yes I know heal and recover in this context mean some the same shizzle, don't ask me why I wrote two words that mean the same thing in the same sentence next to each other. Ahhh... The life shattering dilemmas life offers us.

Until next time my home slices!!!!

Cervical Dystonia, Torticollis, Sacroilliac joint misalignment

2009-01-31T11:24:00.000-08:00

What the fuck? Why do I feel so dizzy?! lol oh wells. I just got up from a nap and now I’m back to exploring the interweb once again. Here's hope that I can resist watching porn. So apparently I have to wait about 2 weeks before I get my next check up and I can surely bet you that I have to wait atleast six hours once I get to Beth Israel in order to get an examination. For those of you who don't know or if it is not obviously enough. I suffer from Cervical Dystonia or Torticollis as it is called by some. It is diagnosed by the tilting of the head to one side (usually to the right) due to freakishly tight muscles that are developed when I was born on the right side of my neck. Although it is a mild form it has actually affected me by bringing pain to me emotionally and physically. I have always been insecure about this and because of it I have never felt normal about myself. I never felt I could fit in because of the disorder. This is the first time I guess I am revealing to the world my deepest insecurity.

Because of Torticollis my face has been a little misaligned. It can be very obvious at certain angles. I had to have surgery for my nose back in 05' I believe because it was misaligned and crooked due to torticollis. Even though the doctor didn't say anything about the involvement or Torticollis, I just know it has something to do with the surgery. Because of the misalignment of my nose I couldn't breathe in right and my nose was always better. I have gotten better since then, although at times I still have a stuffy nose. I believe torticollis has also affected me throughout my whole body. When I decided to fix my crooked neck, I went to a physical therapist. He was the one that told me that I suffer from cervical dystonia or torticollis. He also told me that my sacroiliac joint is misaligned and I have a slight case of scoliosis. This explains all the stiffness I feel within my back, legs, neck, and especially shoulders. There would be many times throughout my life when I attempt something physical, such as dancing or boxing and my shoulder, neck, back and spine freeze out and stiffen up. I honestly think that it has to do with my condition but on the other hand it could be that I have been a lazy ass bastard who doesn't get off his ass. Sits on his computer all day and watches porn and other miscellaneous bullshit. I guess it’s time to get pass that as well.

I have been improving a lot lately these past few years. Even my grandma says my neck is not "crooked" anymore and I don't look as stiff as I use to be. My posture has improved a whole lot more. All of this is from my inner drive. I really wanted to fix this problem in my life so I did a lot of physical activity and stretching, also age occasionally helps with the fixing process. I am bless and proud to have put myself through such major changes throughout these years to fix my medical condition, and this is just another proof to the philosophy that anything can happen if you try your best and believe.
I am close to receiving surgery for this condition. Of course I feel really scared but at the same time I feel relieved, for once in my life I might not be so stiff and sore anymore and I will actually feel like I fit in with the rest of society. I know it kind of sounds wrong cause you have to accept what nature has given you but I just feel happy to be free of the stiffness and happy that people will not likely judge me for my mild condition.

Well until next time folks....

The house in which SATISFACTION is built upon

2009-01-18T08:33:00.000-08:00

I am a man who has always been driven up the wall by emotions. I also have always been reactive to situations that I knew I could be more relaxed in. Recently these past few months have been gold. I think reason being I stopped being so reactive under false pretenses and small annoying situations.

In the past I couldn’t recognize the difference between haggles and real problems. I thought both were to be treated as if dear life depended on finding its solution. But this is not true at all because nothing in life is that painful unless you are a fucking 19th century ninja or a secret agent. Reacting to the smallest problems has caused me to be intimidated and paranoid over everything. That increases stress and cortisol levels. My philosophy is, if you don't have to get your blood pressure high and have veins popping out of your forehead why attempt to achieve it.

Instead looking for a solution with every single breathe, search for the beauty of life. Treat the present moment as an everlasting paradise. Be chill and like my man Bruce Lee said "be water my friend." when you are able to sit back and watch your own thoughts and find stillness in the currents, you my friend are owning up to your inner presence and living a satisfying life. Nothing else can be more satisfying than owning up to the present moment, not even money.

Because the truth is you can have all the assets a glorious king can have, you can have the financial status of Bill Gates but some still won't be happy. Sometimes you need to sit back and enjoy who you are and accept your own presence. Now don’t get my words twisted, I am not telling people to hold on to their flaws and not change for the better. What I am trying to say is to accept whatever life throws your way, embrace it and be un-reactive to it but at the same time, take right action in order to better yourself.

Know the situation at hand + accept it + take appropriate steps towards better yourself +
Owning up to the present moment = satisfaction

This journey of self-improvement is always unwinding….

Recgoinizing My Own SELF RESPONSIBILITIES and Current Situation

2009-01-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

Ahhh.... What a dam good sensation I am feeling. This is the mighty claws of loneliness biting away at my inner soul. This is why I live for this shit and why I am fucking in this community to learn from this lonely feeling, to learn from it and move on.

I am now lying on my bed chewing my own soul into pieces. On one hand I am pretty pissed at my current life situation and on the other hand I know everything will just workout with time. Sometimes the easiest solution is to just live in the moment.

So the Korean chick that I met on craigslist went back to her home country early this morning today and I guess I am a little depressed about that. This is the mother fucking urge that I should use in order to fuel my aggression. This is what I should be carrying with me no matter how much pain it is causing me right now.

Instead I am barred up at home soaking in these inner demons. I hear the happiness of the outside world and the joy my other brothers are receiving and I am just jealous. I know it is not right to compare yourself to others but I am only human and competition is hard wired into my genes. I need to remember that we each converge into our own individual goals at different speeds.

Although this is true I am still responsible for what lies ahead. I am responsible for my current sadness, despair, loneliness, my ego, pain and fear. Although it is true that all these negative emotions do fuel actions there is always a negative to holding such hostile thought patterns. This mentality and mind set could set me back in depression and leave me to be inactive in the community and in agony.

So what do I have to do now? Well, seeing as I still cannot step out of bounds of my comfort zone, I can start to take little baby steps since that is all my ego can bare at the moment. I can start going to bars and clubs more instead of hiding from it in fear. I can start going to these places a lot and just try to get comfortable in them. I can start doing more day game. I can start developing new hobbies and reading more books. The main issue here is to go out there and gain field experience. Home, my comfort zone is not where I want to be. I have a whole life ahead of me and I should be out there living it through every moment to my soul’s content!!! As the saying goes "this is the first day of the rest of your life!!!"

What i did wrong with this chick

2009-01-17T08:16:00.001-08:00

The Chick that I got to hang out with a few times is leaving to Korea. She is going back to her country and I did not get to even get anywhere with her. Somewhere down the line I think that I am responsible for turning myself into a good friend. Let me elaborate....

So this particular Korean chick I met over craigslist. I found her when I was looking for a language exchange partner. I thought at the time that it would be fun to try it out. The first day we hanged out, everything went really smooth and according to plan. There was only one thing that I really fucked up on and that was not kiss closing her when I had the chance. I was scared because she had told me that her friend would meet her up at the locale in a few minutes. I was also waiting for the perfect moment to initiate the kiss. This is pretty pointless considering there is no such moment for the right time to kiss and no such thing as the "perfect kiss."

She met up with me a few more times after that but it wasn't as powerful as the first time we met up. I was pretty sure that we had immense attraction and comfort but my D or direct interest game was just not working correctly. I knew that she was into me because she would laugh at my corny jokes a lot, be willing to hang out with me, sent me a text when she was drunk telling me that I'm a "good winter boyfriend". That is an inside joke that I had created with her. I remember many times that we would discuss past relationships and she would tell me about her ex who was more successful financially than me as well as older than me. This made me Insecure. I would go on for the next few days lying to her by telling her that I would be turning 21 in a few days but in reality I won't turn 21until another 7 months. I finally told her this in our next meetup and cleared everything up. She also told me that at the time she was lying as well and happened to be older than she told me. From then on I should have known that she was really attracted to me as I was to her because of my willingness to lie.

I also felt really insecure when she came over because she saw my living conditions (I live in the projects.)And she saw that I still lived with my parents. I felt embarrassed because my parents started to bring food to her and talk to her. Now I felt more increasingly insecure that I tried desperately to open up a wine bottle, thinking that getting her tipsy and drunk was the best way to have her. When she was over at my home that day and my parents were bringing us food, she felt increasingly like my big sister or best friend rather than a girl I could have sex with. At that point a limiting belief emerged. I believe that women who are higher status or older are women I did not deserve to fuck, only be best friends with. My mind does not believe that I have the self worth. But I knew we did have something even though my ego and mind is telling me vice versa. I remember building very strong comfort game with her when we hanged out. One night we spent about 3 or 4 hours in the night just walking around Chelsea with her talking about life in general. At the end of the day when we went our separate ways I could definitely feel the powerful level of comfort we had between each other and I am sure she could to.

The joke is part of the problem that I created. I believe the reason I created this inside joke was because I wanted the attraction to stick so I added a role playing game. But when I think about it I couldn't be upfront with my direct interest toward her. I was always just all flirty and entertainment boy to her. Or at least that was what I felt like. Every time I try to show her my interest I turn it into a joke, like a "just kidding" sort of thing. I turn the whole situation into something funny and I don't take the attraction that we have between each other seriously.

I think this is because deep inside I am using this as a joke to avoid rejection. I am using this as a joke because I think that I am not enough for her and I don't deserve her. My mind thinks this because I know that she is a few years older than me and she is allowed to do things that I am not allowed to do and her last boyfriend was around 30, had his own place and worked in Wall Street earning way more figures than me. So my mind started asking "why is this girl hanging with me?" I am still a college student who lives with his parents, has no job, and currently hasn't got his life together." I guess it just goes to show that attraction really isn't a choice and the game in me really is strong.

Tonight was the last night that I got to hang out with her and nothing happened because I did not escalate the interaction. I just smoked a blunt with her, got high with her and only met her up for two hours before she had to go clubbing with her friends. I tried to get her high because she never got high before and wanted to try. There is also a second more pathetic reason that I got her high; I wanted to try and take advantage of her when she is high. That is also another limiting belief that I have discovered about myself; I can't get any action until I use some external sources such as wine, alcohol, drugs, weed and etc.... I think because I have so much sexual anxiety and little sexual experience I am creating these excuses. That did not happen tonight. I couldn't get her as high as I wanted her to. I underestimated her tolerance for the blunt. She is far more tolerant than me and I got smacked more than. I was so lifted that I couldn't carry the conversation and escalate anything physically and mentally. I think it was because I was scared and paranoid of the people around me judging me; I was scared of my own sexual anxiety, sexual inexperience and the idea that I could be rejected. It was also because I was high as fuck and couldn't think straight, but I don't think that this mattered as much. Today I was feeling so insecure and shitty about myself that I had to brag about my recent escapades. I wanted to get her jealous and proceed to tell her that I had an instant date with another Korean chick yesterday. I also told her that I had the balls to approach her and instant date her for 4 or 5 hours. I lied about the hours because the date was only 1 to 2 hours long. Instead of making her jealous she said "oh!" then she told me about how she had a couple of dates with this Chinese American dude. I was the one to get a little jealous over this. I also knew we were in the friend zone because we were able to talk about our own romance lives so freely. In my mind I was like "fuck! I screwed this whole shit up." in the end, me high as a kite hugged her and we went our separate ways. In a few hours she will be off to Korea. My mind tells me that I will never see her again but my being says I will and we will keep in touch. Although I did not get to escalate it with her it was a good experience. I will know what to do better next time as there are many other chances. I am still young. It’s also not always bad to have female friends. I never had many female friends in my life and I can learn more about girls by just hanging out with them. This experience just encourages me to do better and teaches me that I have to be more dominant, confident, always escalating, going for the kiss or close, be better with the logistics and be more direct and serious about my interest.

Limiting beliefs that I discovered about myself;

- I am not worth an older woman’s time because I have huge sexual anxiety and sexual inexperience

- I am not worth a older attractive woman’s time period

- Her last boyfriend was way more successful than me, I am not worth it

- I have to wait for the right moment to kiss her or else I will get rejected

- She is to high status for me or rich for me

- I am too short for her or not physically appealing to her

What I could have done better;

- Kiss close her the first time I had the chance!!!!

- Go deeper into comfort

- Physically Escalate

- Go through the direct interest phase with seriousness, commitment, and belief!!!!

- Plan out logistics better

- Should not have talked about my other escapades

Break through or what I did well at;

- Had a girl who was a friend; never had many female friends in the past

- Go to Hang out with her many times

- Carried the conversation

- Did not always pay for the things we did, she paid as well

- Got to hang out with a chick who was older than me by a few

- Go to be friends with an attractive girl who seems to be very high status

- Met two other female friends off her

- My bantering got better

- Got her interested and attracted to me up to a certain point