So two nights ago, I'm grabbing this chick by the thighs and my hands are searing across her jeans. A part of me loves this vicious yet beautiful display of public affection. But a major part of me, the part that's dwelling in the back of my mind is a constant reminder of everything that is holding me back. This is the part of my mind that constantly has its blinkers on and the annoyance is similar to that of a morning alarm clock that just can't seem snooze, turn off or SHUT THE FUCK UP. This is the part of me I try to keep locked up internally in a dark basement, but in the end it always ends up veering its embarrassing show stopping head.... This is my SEXUAL ANXIETY.
The word itself sends chills to the back of my spine. I believe that sexual anxiety is the number one killer in my game. I know that my way of thinking is causing the rise of this pent up anxiety. No matter how much my ego doubts this, I know deep inside I have the sexual mentality of a beta. That is a fact. I will confess and admit to this right now in this blog entry. I do not have much sexual experience and much experience with women in general for that matter. That is a MAJOR reason why I got into this community in the first place. There is no way that this mentality is going away. The only way that it is going away is if I get more experience.
It is a double edged sword, but this double edged sword is what makes this game so challenging. This double edged sword weeds out the boys from the MEN. It is to my realization that what I can change is the limiting belief that I will never be good enough to satisfy women. It just comes with time and patients, the patients to bear through the trials that come with being a recovering chode. The ability to bear through the misery that is beginner's hell will greatly induce an ultimate illuminating satisfying change in our personality and will truly allow us to "be ourselves" as women put it.
Living amongst the fast paced world, I found that I unconsciously conditioned myself to believe that I deserve a mediocre lifestyle. I found half-assed joy in being comfortable and sticking to spectrum that doesn't cause too much of a huge crush or emotion reaction to my ego. It sure is strange but sometimes I feel like I do not deserve pleasure because it takes effort and it requires knowing that rejection is an inevitable outcome. I made myself believe that I am not worth any girls attention especially one who is attractive. I am inferior. I made myself care way too much about how I look to girls or anybody in general. i made myself care way to much about what the girl deserves. I'll repeat that again, I MADE MYSELF CARE WAY TO MUCH ABOUT WHAT THE GIRL DESERVES!!!
This thought process is what keeps me from approaching girls within my vicinity. This thought process is what helps bring my Approach Anxiety to an all time high. Here are just some of the "affirmations" I give myself when I see a hot girl nearby;
- she is way to pretty for me
- she is out of my league
- SHE DESERVES BETTER
- I can do nothing for her
- Look at me I should feel inferior to her
- I am so fucking ugly, no way...
You see I am so worried about what the girl deserves and I don't seem to be concerned about my own wants. I should be a greedy motherfucker and just care about myself. It's time for me to be a little more conceited and selfish. I should have a abundance mentality;
- wow she is hot, I want her
- I don't care if she is "out of my league" she is hot and I want to FUCK HER
- she probably doesn't think I'm worth her time but I don't care what she thinks i want to get in her pants
- I don’t care what she “deserves,” I just want to fuck the shit out of her
- I don’t care I think that she thinks I can’t make her feel good, the only thing that matters is that I can make her suck my cock and feel pleasure myself
-HELL YEAH!!! I'll feel so much pleasure with her lying next to me
- Do I want to fuck her?
- Yes I do want to fuck her, I'm going to make this happen (bada bing bada boom)
In order to make anything happen, sometimes i just need to let go off what she wants. I need to think about what I want to do instead and make it happen. I have to stop letting the mentality of "oh no I don't want to interrupt her or oh it’s never going to happen I’m going to get rejected and besides it takes to much effort" get in the way of my goals and wants. The only time I should not go for what I want is if I am not a sexual person. Last time I check I’m horny as fuck and I’m not a fucking eunuch. Yup I still want to spread a girl on all fours and enter her until she moans with satisfaction and screams my name!!! FUCK YEAH!!! In terms of rejection and fear, you never know what happens unless you go for it. Nothing is for certain. There is one phrase that I keep with me and always remember, credit to my buddy Albert;
"NOTHING IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL....."
Drumming in my head; Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by Daft Punk
“Work it, Make it, Do it, Makes us, Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger….”
The Journey of self improvement is always unwinding....
