What the fuck? Why do I feel so dizzy?! lol oh wells. I just got up from a nap and now I’m back to exploring the interweb once again. Here's hope that I can resist watching porn. So apparently I have to wait about 2 weeks before I get my next check up and I can surely bet you that I have to wait atleast six hours once I get to Beth Israel in order to get an examination. For those of you who don't know or if it is not obviously enough. I suffer from Cervical Dystonia or Torticollis as it is called by some. It is diagnosed by the tilting of the head to one side (usually to the right) due to freakishly tight muscles that are developed when I was born on the right side of my neck. Although it is a mild form it has actually affected me by bringing pain to me emotionally and physically. I have always been insecure about this and because of it I have never felt normal about myself. I never felt I could fit in because of the disorder. This is the first time I guess I am revealing to the world my deepest insecurity.
Because of Torticollis my face has been a little misaligned. It can be very obvious at certain angles. I had to have surgery for my nose back in 05' I believe because it was misaligned and crooked due to torticollis. Even though the doctor didn't say anything about the involvement or Torticollis, I just know it has something to do with the surgery. Because of the misalignment of my nose I couldn't breathe in right and my nose was always better. I have gotten better since then, although at times I still have a stuffy nose. I believe torticollis has also affected me throughout my whole body. When I decided to fix my crooked neck, I went to a physical therapist. He was the one that told me that I suffer from cervical dystonia or torticollis. He also told me that my sacroiliac joint is misaligned and I have a slight case of scoliosis. This explains all the stiffness I feel within my back, legs, neck, and especially shoulders. There would be many times throughout my life when I attempt something physical, such as dancing or boxing and my shoulder, neck, back and spine freeze out and stiffen up. I honestly think that it has to do with my condition but on the other hand it could be that I have been a lazy ass bastard who doesn't get off his ass. Sits on his computer all day and watches porn and other miscellaneous bullshit. I guess it’s time to get pass that as well.
I have been improving a lot lately these past few years. Even my grandma says my neck is not "crooked" anymore and I don't look as stiff as I use to be. My posture has improved a whole lot more. All of this is from my inner drive. I really wanted to fix this problem in my life so I did a lot of physical activity and stretching, also age occasionally helps with the fixing process. I am bless and proud to have put myself through such major changes throughout these years to fix my medical condition, and this is just another proof to the philosophy that anything can happen if you try your best and believe.
I am close to receiving surgery for this condition. Of course I feel really scared but at the same time I feel relieved, for once in my life I might not be so stiff and sore anymore and I will actually feel like I fit in with the rest of society. I know it kind of sounds wrong cause you have to accept what nature has given you but I just feel happy to be free of the stiffness and happy that people will not likely judge me for my mild condition.
I am a man who has always been driven up the wall by emotions. I also have always been reactive to situations that I knew I could be more relaxed in. Recently these past few months have been gold. I think reason being I stopped being so reactive under false pretenses and small annoying situations.
In the past I couldn’t recognize the difference between haggles and real problems. I thought both were to be treated as if dear life depended on finding its solution. But this is not true at all because nothing in life is that painful unless you are a fucking 19th century ninja or a secret agent. Reacting to the smallest problems has caused me to be intimidated and paranoid over everything. That increases stress and cortisol levels. My philosophy is, if you don't have to get your blood pressure high and have veins popping out of your forehead why attempt to achieve it.
Instead looking for a solution with every single breathe, search for the beauty of life. Treat the present moment as an everlasting paradise. Be chill and like my man Bruce Lee said "be water my friend." when you are able to sit back and watch your own thoughts and find stillness in the currents, you my friend are owning up to your inner presence and living a satisfying life. Nothing else can be more satisfying than owning up to the present moment, not even money.
Because the truth is you can have all the assets a glorious king can have, you can have the financial status of Bill Gates but some still won't be happy. Sometimes you need to sit back and enjoy who you are and accept your own presence. Now don’t get my words twisted, I am not telling people to hold on to their flaws and not change for the better. What I am trying to say is to accept whatever life throws your way, embrace it and be un-reactive to it but at the same time, take right action in order to better yourself.
Know the situation at hand + accept it + take appropriate steps towards better yourself + Owning up to the present moment = satisfaction
This journey of self-improvement is always unwinding….
Ahhh.... What a dam good sensation I am feeling. This is the mighty claws of loneliness biting away at my inner soul. This is why I live for this shit and why I am fucking in this community to learn from this lonely feeling, to learn from it and move on.
I am now lying on my bed chewing my own soul into pieces. On one hand I am pretty pissed at my current life situation and on the other hand I know everything will just workout with time. Sometimes the easiest solution is to just live in the moment.
So the Korean chick that I met on craigslist went back to her home country early this morning today and I guess I am a little depressed about that. This is the mother fucking urge that I should use in order to fuel my aggression. This is what I should be carrying with me no matter how much pain it is causing me right now.
Instead I am barred up at home soaking in these inner demons. I hear the happiness of the outside world and the joy my other brothers are receiving and I am just jealous. I know it is not right to compare yourself to others but I am only human and competition is hard wired into my genes. I need to remember that we each converge into our own individual goals at different speeds.
Although this is true I am still responsible for what lies ahead. I am responsible for my current sadness, despair, loneliness, my ego, pain and fear. Although it is true that all these negative emotions do fuel actions there is always a negative to holding such hostile thought patterns. This mentality and mind set could set me back in depression and leave me to be inactive in the community and in agony.
So what do I have to do now? Well, seeing as I still cannot step out of bounds of my comfort zone, I can start to take little baby steps since that is all my ego can bare at the moment. I can start going to bars and clubs more instead of hiding from it in fear. I can start going to these places a lot and just try to get comfortable in them. I can start doing more day game. I can start developing new hobbies and reading more books. The main issue here is to go out there and gain field experience. Home, my comfort zone is not where I want to be. I have a whole life ahead of me and I should be out there living it through every moment to my soul’s content!!! As the saying goes "this is the first day of the rest of your life!!!"
The Chick that I got to hang out with a few times is leaving to Korea. She is going back to her country and I did not get to even get anywhere with her. Somewhere down the line I think that I am responsible for turning myself into a good friend. Let me elaborate....
So this particular Korean chick I met over craigslist. I found her when I was looking for a language exchange partner. I thought at the time that it would be fun to try it out. The first day we hanged out, everything went really smooth and according to plan. There was only one thing that I really fucked up on and that was not kiss closing her when I had the chance. I was scared because she had told me that her friend would meet her up at the locale in a few minutes. I was also waiting for the perfect moment to initiate the kiss. This is pretty pointless considering there is no such moment for the right time to kiss and no such thing as the "perfect kiss."
She met up with me a few more times after that but it wasn't as powerful as the first time we met up. I was pretty sure that we had immense attraction and comfort but my D or direct interest game was just not working correctly. I knew that she was into me because she would laugh at my corny jokes a lot, be willing to hang out with me, sent me a text when she was drunk telling me that I'm a "good winter boyfriend". That is an inside joke that I had created with her. I remember many times that we would discuss past relationships and she would tell me about her ex who was more successful financially than me as well as older than me. This made me Insecure. I would go on for the next few days lying to her by telling her that I would be turning 21 in a few days but in reality I won't turn 21until another 7 months. I finally told her this in our next meetup and cleared everything up. She also told me that at the time she was lying as well and happened to be older than she told me. From then on I should have known that she was really attracted to me as I was to her because of my willingness to lie.
I also felt really insecure when she came over because she saw my living conditions (I live in the projects.)And she saw that I still lived with my parents. I felt embarrassed because my parents started to bring food to her and talk to her. Now I felt more increasingly insecure that I tried desperately to open up a wine bottle, thinking that getting her tipsy and drunk was the best way to have her. When she was over at my home that day and my parents were bringing us food, she felt increasingly like my big sister or best friend rather than a girl I could have sex with. At that point a limiting belief emerged. I believe that women who are higher status or older are women I did not deserve to fuck, only be best friends with. My mind does not believe that I have the self worth. But I knew we did have something even though my ego and mind is telling me vice versa. I remember building very strong comfort game with her when we hanged out. One night we spent about 3 or 4 hours in the night just walking around Chelsea with her talking about life in general. At the end of the day when we went our separate ways I could definitely feel the powerful level of comfort we had between each other and I am sure she could to.
The joke is part of the problem that I created. I believe the reason I created this inside joke was because I wanted the attraction to stick so I added a role playing game. But when I think about it I couldn't be upfront with my direct interest toward her. I was always just all flirty and entertainment boy to her. Or at least that was what I felt like. Every time I try to show her my interest I turn it into a joke, like a "just kidding" sort of thing. I turn the whole situation into something funny and I don't take the attraction that we have between each other seriously.
I think this is because deep inside I am using this as a joke to avoid rejection. I am using this as a joke because I think that I am not enough for her and I don't deserve her. My mind thinks this because I know that she is a few years older than me and she is allowed to do things that I am not allowed to do and her last boyfriend was around 30, had his own place and worked in Wall Street earning way more figures than me. So my mind started asking "why is this girl hanging with me?" I am still a college student who lives with his parents, has no job, and currently hasn't got his life together." I guess it just goes to show that attraction really isn't a choice and the game in me really is strong.
Tonight was the last night that I got to hang out with her and nothing happened because I did not escalate the interaction. I just smoked a blunt with her, got high with her and only met her up for two hours before she had to go clubbing with her friends. I tried to get her high because she never got high before and wanted to try. There is also a second more pathetic reason that I got her high; I wanted to try and take advantage of her when she is high. That is also another limiting belief that I have discovered about myself; I can't get any action until I use some external sources such as wine, alcohol, drugs, weed and etc.... I think because I have so much sexual anxiety and little sexual experience I am creating these excuses. That did not happen tonight. I couldn't get her as high as I wanted her to. I underestimated her tolerance for the blunt. She is far more tolerant than me and I got smacked more than. I was so lifted that I couldn't carry the conversation and escalate anything physically and mentally. I think it was because I was scared and paranoid of the people around me judging me; I was scared of my own sexual anxiety, sexual inexperience and the idea that I could be rejected. It was also because I was high as fuck and couldn't think straight, but I don't think that this mattered as much. Today I was feeling so insecure and shitty about myself that I had to brag about my recent escapades. I wanted to get her jealous and proceed to tell her that I had an instant date with another Korean chick yesterday. I also told her that I had the balls to approach her and instant date her for 4 or 5 hours. I lied about the hours because the date was only 1 to 2 hours long. Instead of making her jealous she said "oh!" then she told me about how she had a couple of dates with this Chinese American dude. I was the one to get a little jealous over this. I also knew we were in the friend zone because we were able to talk about our own romance lives so freely. In my mind I was like "fuck! I screwed this whole shit up." in the end, me high as a kite hugged her and we went our separate ways. In a few hours she will be off to Korea. My mind tells me that I will never see her again but my being says I will and we will keep in touch. Although I did not get to escalate it with her it was a good experience. I will know what to do better next time as there are many other chances. I am still young. It’s also not always bad to have female friends. I never had many female friends in my life and I can learn more about girls by just hanging out with them. This experience just encourages me to do better and teaches me that I have to be more dominant, confident, always escalating, going for the kiss or close, be better with the logistics and be more direct and serious about my interest.
Limiting beliefs that I discovered about myself;
-I am not worth an older woman’s time because I have huge sexual anxiety and sexual inexperience
-I am not worth a older attractive woman’s time period
-Her last boyfriend was way more successful than me, I am not worth it
-I have to wait for the right moment to kiss her or else I will get rejected
-She is to high status for me or rich for me
-I am too short for her or not physically appealing to her
What I could have done better;
-Kiss close her the first time I had the chance!!!!
-Go deeper into comfort
-Physically Escalate
-Go through the direct interest phase with seriousness, commitment, and belief!!!!
-Plan out logistics better
-Should not have talked about my other escapades
Break through or what I did well at;
-Had a girl who was a friend; never had many female friends in the past
-Go to Hang out with her many times
-Carried the conversation
-Did not always pay for the things we did, she paid as well
-Got to hang out with a chick who was older than me by a few
-Go to be friends with an attractive girl who seems to be very high status
-Met two other female friends off her
-My bantering got better
-Got her interested and attracted to me up to a certain point
