Here's the scenario; I have a fine ass cute Korean chick sitting to my right who is so under my spell that I could have easily just went in for the sweet smacker. I knew I could of but I didn't. That night I examined my hesitation and I asked myself the same question that my friends asked me; why didn't you just go in for the kiss? At the time I thought I shouldn't go for the kiss because it’s too soon and it would fuck everything up. If I did it now she's going to think that I think she's a slut. If she does think that she's not going to see me again, or worse she's not going to answer my phone calls or texts anymore. That's right in my mind I have a belief that her not answering my calls or texts is much worse then not seeing her ever again. To me in my mind that shows that she is not attracted to me anymore. That shows that I have failed again. It shows me that I am lonely once again.
As I examine myself closely I realize that I have this constant urge to need validation from all women. I want them all too always be attracted to me. I want them to stick in my life and I think if I fuck up I will be lonely once more. I will intentionally not kiss or find pleasure and happiness from the girl because I don't want to fuck it up. Also for every minute a girl is not texting me or responding to my text or talking to me over the phone I tend to think that they have either lost all interest for me or they are rapidly losing interest from me. I have come to the conclusion that I am a pretty needy fucker who seeks validation, over analyzes situation with pure logic in a negative way and will not for the life of him do what has to be done because he does not want to fuck it up with the girl.
A day ago the same girl just asked me in a subtle way if we could hang out and I knew we should because I knew I could have totally got some. Instead my mind told me that I was not in "state" or if I do end up doing something with her I am going to be a loser and she will think I am weak. I am so inexperienced I'm not going to be able to please. Ahhh the old sexual anxiety. SO I should not meet up with her tonight or I might fuck it up. In the end it should not matter what fucking "state" I am in or my sexual experience. I should just go over there be a man and fuck her. What matters are the now, not the past and certainly not the future? I have to keep in mind that, all if the neediness, inexperience and every other excuse don't matter. If I keep trying my best and failing I am gaining more experience. I have to realize when I have the mindset of a validation leech except it but at the same time take right action to try to eliminate that trait. Realize that the women who are not giving you call backs are ditching you are making your job much easier. They are essentially saying you can go out for other women cause obvious this is not going to work for us in this moment in time.
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