The Chick that I got to hang out with a few times is leaving to Korea. She is going back to her country and I did not get to even get anywhere with her. Somewhere down the line I think that I am responsible for turning myself into a good friend. Let me elaborate....
So this particular Korean chick I met over craigslist. I found her when I was looking for a language exchange partner. I thought at the time that it would be fun to try it out. The first day we hanged out, everything went really smooth and according to plan. There was only one thing that I really fucked up on and that was not kiss closing her when I had the chance. I was scared because she had told me that her friend would meet her up at the locale in a few minutes. I was also waiting for the perfect moment to initiate the kiss. This is pretty pointless considering there is no such moment for the right time to kiss and no such thing as the "perfect kiss."
She met up with me a few more times after that but it wasn't as powerful as the first time we met up. I was pretty sure that we had immense attraction and comfort but my D or direct interest game was just not working correctly. I knew that she was into me because she would laugh at my corny jokes a lot, be willing to hang out with me, sent me a text when she was drunk telling me that I'm a "good winter boyfriend". That is an inside joke that I had created with her. I remember many times that we would discuss past relationships and she would tell me about her ex who was more successful financially than me as well as older than me. This made me Insecure. I would go on for the next few days lying to her by telling her that I would be turning 21 in a few days but in reality I won't turn 21until another 7 months. I finally told her this in our next meetup and cleared everything up. She also told me that at the time she was lying as well and happened to be older than she told me. From then on I should have known that she was really attracted to me as I was to her because of my willingness to lie.
I also felt really insecure when she came over because she saw my living conditions (I live in the projects.)And she saw that I still lived with my parents. I felt embarrassed because my parents started to bring food to her and talk to her. Now I felt more increasingly insecure that I tried desperately to open up a wine bottle, thinking that getting her tipsy and drunk was the best way to have her. When she was over at my home that day and my parents were bringing us food, she felt increasingly like my big sister or best friend rather than a girl I could have sex with. At that point a limiting belief emerged. I believe that women who are higher status or older are women I did not deserve to fuck, only be best friends with. My mind does not believe that I have the self worth. But I knew we did have something even though my ego and mind is telling me vice versa. I remember building very strong comfort game with her when we hanged out. One night we spent about 3 or 4 hours in the night just walking around Chelsea with her talking about life in general. At the end of the day when we went our separate ways I could definitely feel the powerful level of comfort we had between each other and I am sure she could to.
The joke is part of the problem that I created. I believe the reason I created this inside joke was because I wanted the attraction to stick so I added a role playing game. But when I think about it I couldn't be upfront with my direct interest toward her. I was always just all flirty and entertainment boy to her. Or at least that was what I felt like. Every time I try to show her my interest I turn it into a joke, like a "just kidding" sort of thing. I turn the whole situation into something funny and I don't take the attraction that we have between each other seriously.
I think this is because deep inside I am using this as a joke to avoid rejection. I am using this as a joke because I think that I am not enough for her and I don't deserve her. My mind thinks this because I know that she is a few years older than me and she is allowed to do things that I am not allowed to do and her last boyfriend was around 30, had his own place and worked in Wall Street earning way more figures than me. So my mind started asking "why is this girl hanging with me?" I am still a college student who lives with his parents, has no job, and currently hasn't got his life together." I guess it just goes to show that attraction really isn't a choice and the game in me really is strong.
Tonight was the last night that I got to hang out with her and nothing happened because I did not escalate the interaction. I just smoked a blunt with her, got high with her and only met her up for two hours before she had to go clubbing with her friends. I tried to get her high because she never got high before and wanted to try. There is also a second more pathetic reason that I got her high; I wanted to try and take advantage of her when she is high. That is also another limiting belief that I have discovered about myself; I can't get any action until I use some external sources such as wine, alcohol, drugs, weed and etc.... I think because I have so much sexual anxiety and little sexual experience I am creating these excuses. That did not happen tonight. I couldn't get her as high as I wanted her to. I underestimated her tolerance for the blunt. She is far more tolerant than me and I got smacked more than. I was so lifted that I couldn't carry the conversation and escalate anything physically and mentally. I think it was because I was scared and paranoid of the people around me judging me; I was scared of my own sexual anxiety, sexual inexperience and the idea that I could be rejected. It was also because I was high as fuck and couldn't think straight, but I don't think that this mattered as much. Today I was feeling so insecure and shitty about myself that I had to brag about my recent escapades. I wanted to get her jealous and proceed to tell her that I had an instant date with another Korean chick yesterday. I also told her that I had the balls to approach her and instant date her for 4 or 5 hours. I lied about the hours because the date was only 1 to 2 hours long. Instead of making her jealous she said "oh!" then she told me about how she had a couple of dates with this Chinese American dude. I was the one to get a little jealous over this. I also knew we were in the friend zone because we were able to talk about our own romance lives so freely. In my mind I was like "fuck! I screwed this whole shit up." in the end, me high as a kite hugged her and we went our separate ways. In a few hours she will be off to Korea. My mind tells me that I will never see her again but my being says I will and we will keep in touch. Although I did not get to escalate it with her it was a good experience. I will know what to do better next time as there are many other chances. I am still young. It’s also not always bad to have female friends. I never had many female friends in my life and I can learn more about girls by just hanging out with them. This experience just encourages me to do better and teaches me that I have to be more dominant, confident, always escalating, going for the kiss or close, be better with the logistics and be more direct and serious about my interest.
Limiting beliefs that I discovered about myself;
- I am not worth an older woman’s time because I have huge sexual anxiety and sexual inexperience
- I am not worth a older attractive woman’s time period
- Her last boyfriend was way more successful than me, I am not worth it
- I have to wait for the right moment to kiss her or else I will get rejected
- She is to high status for me or rich for me
- I am too short for her or not physically appealing to her
What I could have done better;
- Kiss close her the first time I had the chance!!!!
- Go deeper into comfort
- Physically Escalate
- Go through the direct interest phase with seriousness, commitment, and belief!!!!
- Plan out logistics better
- Should not have talked about my other escapades
Break through or what I did well at;
- Had a girl who was a friend; never had many female friends in the past
- Go to Hang out with her many times
- Carried the conversation
- Did not always pay for the things we did, she paid as well
- Got to hang out with a chick who was older than me by a few
- Go to be friends with an attractive girl who seems to be very high status
- Met two other female friends off her
- My bantering got better
- Got her interested and attracted to me up to a certain point
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